Refuge

Tags

daughters, daydream, escape, hope, love, missing, road tripping, running, secret

The past couple of months have been eventful. Unfortunately, there were negative events that I thought I was dealing with just fine and moving forward….until the past week. It’s all coming crashing down, and me with it.

I had some major relationship shifts-some revelations. I realized that love really has many different shades. What I thought was red hot romance became a cool mint green and it’s comforting to know I have a friend for life. No matter what.  I’ve also discovered that I am the best ever at misreading signals-UGH!! Lesson number 87 in humility… and getting over it. I’ve met new people, felt butterflies in my stomach, and even spent a short time getting closer with my older daughter. The situation changed and now she’s gone again. In and out, up and down, the roller-coaster ride that is my life never ends. Where do I get off and go back to the carousel with the bright lights, pretty ponies and festive music???

I can feel it coming. That pressure in my chest, the tingle up the left side of my neck and I can’t breathe… my lungs just wont open up. It’s anxiety. I sense it on the rise and I know I have to do something quick. Run away!!! my brain says-but “it” will just chase me. Call him my heart says-but I can’t risk anyone knowing what a basket case I have become today. Stop and go THERE my common sense says-somehow any fragment of common sense hides until I’m at this desperate point. It’s the only way. So I stop in my tracks. Close my eyes. Everything around me disappears. The noise fades, I feel the tension leave my body as I transport myself to another place… The ocean. Waves crashing in a storm. I am standing on top of jagged rocks waiting for the next wave to come in-the wind whipping my hair into my face. My clothes are getting drenched from the spray of sea water and I don’t even care. It’s icy cold. Arms crossed and fists clenched tight so nothing can get in to my heart….I’m safe.  But the tension has gone and now I can let go, let the air flood back into my lungs. A deep breath, a smile returns to my face and my eyes open. Nothing  has changed while I was gone…Except me.  And my secret storm subsides until I need refuge another time.

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Wandering – Searching For “Home”

Tags

desert, hope, love, memories, missing, rain, running, Sleep, sun, Victorville, Washington

It’s been difficult for me living here in the dark rainy Pacific Northwest the past two years. I used to LOVE rain growing up in the Mojave desert. The thunder and lightening storms thrilled me and standing in the pouring rain on a hot 100° plus day was awesome!
I left the town I grew up in when I hit 18 and ended up wandering around LA and Riverside for years. The weather in most places was sticky, the air was thick with smog and I couldn’t breathe.

Not like I did in Victorville.

I remember running track in Jr High and High School and feelin the hot air rip through my lungs. I always paced myself with the fastest and pushed to beat my previous personal records. 5:38 – my fastest mile. That was thrilling to me. The runners high after. Closing my eyes to the desert sun and gasping for the clean dry air.

I visited Victorville last summer with my daughter. We spent a week and guess what….. It was 102° and the rain began…. My heart raced and I felt a lump in my throat… I couldn’t wait to get outside- and then I felt a deep sadness. I had left this place years ago because I felt so trapped- I wanted to see things and experience Los Angeles and the “hustle and bustle”- well I’d experienced it alright. And as I stood there in the rain waiting for my ride, I felt a loss of innocence hit me and almost a heartbreak for the places and friends I’d left behind. Memories came flooding back. Loves and crushes adventures and accomplishments.

I moved here to Washington State to be closer to my parents- we’d been apart for nearly 20 years. I’ve been here for 2 years now and they have decided to retire back to California. Not the desert mind you, most likely central Cali. So now I have no reason to stay here. It’s me and my girls and we are free to go where life may lead.

All of this has my mind spinning out of control. Will we move? There’s no reason to stay where I’m not happy. Where will we move? I don’t know. I had sworn off California at one point. Now I’m open to anything. VV? Sheesh. It’s not like it used to be.

So for now I walk around every single day dizzy with thoughts and memories. Ideas and dreams. Questions unanswered. Where? When? It’s starting to become overwhelming and I find myself searching for missing links from my past. I’ve come across a special few. And I hold them close. Trying to recapture something I cherished at one time and make up for lost years. The thing is, while they’ve grown and accomplished things I feel as if I’ve been stuck in a time capsule and haven’t changed at all- other than aging. I have the same hopes and ideas, same silliness-which annoys some. Same as it did.

And so I ramble on… Same as I always have- and realize its already past midnight and I should be getting up in 5 1/2 hours- time to sleep. Hopefully the time I spent with the girls in the sun after work this afternoon will help my mind rest, and maybe dream of the hot air and blowing winds of my desert.