The past couple of months have been eventful. Unfortunately, there were negative events that I thought I was dealing with just fine and moving forward….until the past week. It’s all coming crashing down, and me with it.
I had some major relationship shifts-some revelations. I realized that love really has many different shades. What I thought was red hot romance became a cool mint green and it’s comforting to know I have a friend for life. No matter what. I’ve also discovered that I am the best ever at misreading signals-UGH!! Lesson number 87 in humility… and getting over it. I’ve met new people, felt butterflies in my stomach, and even spent a short time getting closer with my older daughter. The situation changed and now she’s gone again. In and out, up and down, the roller-coaster ride that is my life never ends. Where do I get off and go back to the carousel with the bright lights, pretty ponies and festive music???
I can feel it coming. That pressure in my chest, the tingle up the left side of my neck and I can’t breathe… my lungs just wont open up. It’s anxiety. I sense it on the rise and I know I have to do something quick. Run away!!! my brain says-but “it” will just chase me. Call him my heart says-but I can’t risk anyone knowing what a basket case I have become today. Stop and go THERE my common sense says-somehow any fragment of common sense hides until I’m at this desperate point. It’s the only way. So I stop in my tracks. Close my eyes. Everything around me disappears. The noise fades, I feel the tension leave my body as I transport myself to another place… The ocean. Waves crashing in a storm. I am standing on top of jagged rocks waiting for the next wave to come in-the wind whipping my hair into my face. My clothes are getting drenched from the spray of sea water and I don’t even care. It’s icy cold. Arms crossed and fists clenched tight so nothing can get in to my heart….I’m safe. But the tension has gone and now I can let go, let the air flood back into my lungs. A deep breath, a smile returns to my face and my eyes open. Nothing has changed while I was gone…Except me. And my secret storm subsides until I need refuge another time.