Just a real quick thing….. I made a real quick batch of about a dozen tamales with my eldest daughter Angelica- promise to fill you in on that story- and I realized tonight that true love isn’t always of the romantic sort. True love can be for friends who will always be there no matter what or who wonders into or out of our lives. So with that I say, I love you. Truly. And then there’s my love Angie (Angelica) being….. Herself…. Love you baby.
I’ve been a bit lost of late, and found myself spinning in circles making myself dizzy until I was reminded that I was setting myself up for disaster.
I am so thankful for the loves in my life, be they friends or family, for without them I would be another lost soul wandering the earth waiting for the end of my existence.
I’ve been reminded to slow down and open my eyes again. So I did. And this is something I saw today…. Thank you love, friend, for guiding me once again back to myself.
I’ve been having a really tough time getting to sleep before 2 am every night for the past week or so. My intentions are to be asleep by 10 so I can get back into my early morning routine of jog/walk/crawl, shower, and a fresh juice before work but that hasn’t happened. My brain won’t hush.
So much has happened for a July. Major stuff. But one thing that I can’t keep out of my head is this new thing I’ve become interested in and thanks to a “for-evah” friendwho taught me to DO instead of ‘not do’, I’m going places I haven’t been and actually meeting people when I’m usually invisible in crowds. And it’s so FUN!!
My next adventure takes my daughter and me to a mountain in Utah to watch, and hopefully hang out for a minute with, a friend from high school (who has a serious obsession with setting land speed records in his blood), at Powder Mountain Motocross. I saw some footage from last year and dang. It’s awesome. Will definitely be posting pics when we get back. In the meantime here’s a couple from my phone- left the camera in the car for some reason- last weekend at Washougal, WA. Sleep well, and sweet dreams.
I had to get out last night and being alone wasn’t an option so my son-in-law Jake offered to come along for company. My daughter Angie was our “DD” Designated Driver and dropped us off for a few drinks. My battery was dying and I only got a couple of pics before my phone called it quits. The Alibi Sports Bar.
Exactly what I want to do….run. Fast. Hard. To nowhere in particular. Until my lungs scream at me to stop and even then I’ll keep pushing.
I have a great imagination. Always have. I think I’ve finally realized that I need to keep it in check. Starting now. Or maybe not—-
I started writing stuff down about a year and a half ago-things that happened to me or to people close to me, and all these memories and vivid images began flooding my mind. Suddenly I’d pop up in bed in the middle of the night with this sensation that I was at a specific place and time in my past. Or I’d stop in the middle of something and a familiar song or scent would send me back to a classroom in 1988……Most of it was from high school. So much happened and my life and mind changed drastically in the last two years that I spent in the desert.
Everything continued to change, as life does. People came into and out of my life, and I made friends, and lost some. I learned things and taught things. A lot of changes. The one thing that has remained constant…. I run. Not for sport. Not for exercise. For survival. For sanity’s sake. When things are no longer in my control I have to get away, disappear…..I’ve done it hundreds of times. Literally. Now I find myself in that mind set again, the pattern has begun and I don’t know if I can stop it. The endless pattern that has me searching for something-what it is I don’t know. The crazy thing is, I thought I was alone in this. But I’ve come to find there are others like me. That should be a comfort, knowing that I’m not alone in this-but it just makes it worse knowing that there are restless souls, lost and afraid to stop running. My brain says, “be positive, relax, you’ll find your place” my heart says, “run”.
I’m so tired right now. My eyes keep screaming at me to let them close but I wanted to get something up here before I go to bed. I can be such a procrastinator.
So I took a drive to Yakima yesterday-had a conference there and originally planned to make it a family road trip across states, but things changed and it was just me rolling down the highway-windows down, hair whipping out the window, radio blasting…. It was AWESOME!
I am trying to come out of my shell and learn to talk to people-SO hard for me. But I did it. I started out my afternoon at the 2nd Street Bar and Grill in Yakima, rolled down the street to the Speakeasy, hit the hotel lounge-Johnny’s, and ended my night at the Sportsman. Met a couple of people, chit chatted with the bartenders, and decided that there’s a whole wide world of people eager to tell me about themselves. This is just a beginning to a long journey.
All day I’ve been feeling sluggish. It’s been a busy week- since Friday actually. Went to hang out with a friend in Bonney Lake and had a great time catching up. Our girls had been missing each other and the house was filled with little girls giggles and squeals, and the occasional power struggle over who was being “the meanest friend ever!”
I hadn’t shared any really deep thoughts with anyone lately and being there with her I felt very alive in my own skin, and we both opened up about trials and hardships, both current and from the past. Tears welled up and laughter rang out, and wine glasses were emptied and refilled.
It was an awesome three days. A nice respite from my usual weekend routine of cleaning house, doing laundry, cleaning house some more- because with a 5 year old and a 12 year old out on summer break there’s no catching up.
But now with my girls tucked in, I have time to let my mind wander. Standing on the porch in pj’s I’m staring into the moonless sky. Clear nights are not very common in this part of the Pacific Northwest. Tonight is an exception- clear, cool, with a slight breeze through my hair- just enough to lift it up the loose ends and blow strands into my face. As I gaze alone into the darkness I hear the song of my favorite star. It’s only reappeared recently. As of late I have come to depend on that star, perhaps more than I should, always with an inner dread that it will disappear again at any moment. I feel a connection and have felt it for most of my life. Wherever it goes across the moonless sky I always feel its presence, even when the song is silenced. Sometimes its light dims to a soft glow but it always finds strength to shine brightly again.
But now it’s my porch light with a bright glow that is attracting moths with tangerine and black wings, and fuzzy white ones that let me pick them up and they rest on my palm. Down below on the wooden floor with paint peeling I find a silent companion in the night…. The leopard slug.
It’s windy. And warm. And greyish white sky isn’t very inviting. I’d still rather be outside though. Sitting in an office day in and out can be such a drag. Today I have a full wall of windows in front of me and I SO want to run outside and spin in circles with my arms outstretched to the….sun? Not likely in Grays Harbor.
So tonight the girls and I are going on a short trip to a friend’s house in Bonnie Lake, Washington-haven’t been there before. It isn’t too far-less than 2 hours-but it’s an adventure still. I need time with friends and she is one who I can be completely myself with-no judgement with her. Right now that’s what I need with all that is going on in my life. I’d say friends are few and far between-by my own choice. The few people who I consider friends are not even in the same zip code. So road trips it is for the rest of the year.
Next stop…. not sure exactly. Idaho-My daughter. Victoria, BC- Canadians. Montana- Sheep run. Berlin-a dream now but totally doable.
My 19 year old daughter recently moved to Idaho. And became engaged. And her fiance got full custody of his baby from a previous relationship. And they are planning a quick wedding. Too much too quick IMO, but you know how that goes. All of this within the past 3 weeks. My head is spinning with this, school starting next month for me and five and twelve year old’s, my boss is retiring any minute, my parents are moving back to California, my sister gave up her apartment to live on a boat, relationships have been reassessed, and the dishes are piled up in the sink. My usual solution to chaos? RUN!!!
And run I shall.
And here’s my youngest in a self-portrait. I can’t keep my camera or iPhone far enough out of her reach. Nor do I care to.
I always tell my girls to think before they say things when emotions are high. In this world of technology I try not to tweet, email, post, text when I’m upset. Especially here, where I’ve decided not to delete any of my posts because I’m writing to get things out- but tonight I’m breaking my own rule-writing under duress. I’m gonna just ay what’s on my mind.
And at this moment I feel I’m gasping for air, trying to inhale….
For whatever reason, my upbringing, genes, environment, I tend to be a people pleaser. I don’t like to see my friends hurt, so I listen and do what I can to help. Lately it seems to be backfiring. I’m losing myself. I feel like I’m becoming invisible. It seems no one notices my “dark days” when I’m struggling. I get tired of being there for everyone and when I’m down no one notices. But even as I write this I’m thinking that it’s selfish of me to think that way.
I don’t have “dark days” very often, but when I do, when I feel I need somebody the most, I find myself absolutely and completely alone. And with two little girls at home it’s not like I can go decompress whenever I need to. Such is the life of this single mom- my world.
So here I sit in the light of the tv trying to decide whether or not I should skip work tomorrow- stay home and veg. and feel sorry for myself, But I won’t because people are counting on me to get things done.
This thing that has me feeling this way has been building up. It comes and it goes. When I feel everything is going great the bottom suddenly drops out from under me and I’m left clutching “remnants” of what is supposed to be, wondering if the dream is over or perhaps this is just a temporary setback. Then all is right again and even better than before – for a time…..
Tonight my heart is stuck between beats waiting for the exhale…..