Wandering – Searching For “Home”

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desert, hope, love, memories, missing, rain, running, Sleep, sun, Victorville, Washington

It’s been difficult for me living here in the dark rainy Pacific Northwest the past two years. I used to LOVE rain growing up in the Mojave desert. The thunder and lightening storms thrilled me and standing in the pouring rain on a hot 100° plus day was awesome!
I left the town I grew up in when I hit 18 and ended up wandering around LA and Riverside for years. The weather in most places was sticky, the air was thick with smog and I couldn’t breathe.

Not like I did in Victorville.

I remember running track in Jr High and High School and feelin the hot air rip through my lungs. I always paced myself with the fastest and pushed to beat my previous personal records. 5:38 – my fastest mile. That was thrilling to me. The runners high after. Closing my eyes to the desert sun and gasping for the clean dry air.

I visited Victorville last summer with my daughter. We spent a week and guess what….. It was 102° and the rain began…. My heart raced and I felt a lump in my throat… I couldn’t wait to get outside- and then I felt a deep sadness. I had left this place years ago because I felt so trapped- I wanted to see things and experience Los Angeles and the “hustle and bustle”- well I’d experienced it alright. And as I stood there in the rain waiting for my ride, I felt a loss of innocence hit me and almost a heartbreak for the places and friends I’d left behind. Memories came flooding back. Loves and crushes adventures and accomplishments.

I moved here to Washington State to be closer to my parents- we’d been apart for nearly 20 years. I’ve been here for 2 years now and they have decided to retire back to California. Not the desert mind you, most likely central Cali. So now I have no reason to stay here. It’s me and my girls and we are free to go where life may lead.

All of this has my mind spinning out of control. Will we move? There’s no reason to stay where I’m not happy. Where will we move? I don’t know. I had sworn off California at one point. Now I’m open to anything. VV? Sheesh. It’s not like it used to be.

So for now I walk around every single day dizzy with thoughts and memories. Ideas and dreams. Questions unanswered. Where? When? It’s starting to become overwhelming and I find myself searching for missing links from my past. I’ve come across a special few. And I hold them close. Trying to recapture something I cherished at one time and make up for lost years. The thing is, while they’ve grown and accomplished things I feel as if I’ve been stuck in a time capsule and haven’t changed at all- other than aging. I have the same hopes and ideas, same silliness-which annoys some. Same as it did.

And so I ramble on… Same as I always have- and realize its already past midnight and I should be getting up in 5 1/2 hours- time to sleep. Hopefully the time I spent with the girls in the sun after work this afternoon will help my mind rest, and maybe dream of the hot air and blowing winds of my desert.

Wynoochee

Here I find myself at Camp Satsop off the Wynoochee River- no cell service, no Internet/wifi. And surprisingly I’m perfectly fine with that. Yeah I’ve thought a couple of times about checking emails and such, and of course wondered whether the certain “someone(s)” had replied to my previous messages. But all in all, it was a perfect escape from the technology ruled life I live.  Ariana Said several times over that she was bored. But then she picked up the guitar I brought along and started playing and singing her latest “fav” song. Priscilla combed the bushes nearby for blackberries and thimble berries. I kept the fire stoked and just let my mind wander. What more could I want than my girls outside breathing fresh air and my mind set free. Wish we had more time to hang out here. No internet, no tv…..
The owners of the place were very kind. Such hospitality seems rare nowadays. It’s a senior husband and wife team and “he” actually carried firewood to our site via wheelbarrow, offering to help start it if I needed assistance.  Our neighbors to the south were very friendly. “She” helped me get it started, stacking wood and stuffing empty pockets between the logs with newspaper and cardboard as she shared her story of how she came about raising her grandson. I love to hear people’s stories.
I’m still up now- at 12:49 am listening to obnoxious campers shouting and laughing in the center of the property- they either don’t realize that there’s an echo from that area or just don’t care.  I don’t. The sounds of fires popping, country music quietly playing, lovers whispering and friends sharing stories is just what I need to give me a restful sleep.  People living. People enjoying the great outdoors and having a good time.  Nice. 
Now as I finish this, knowing that I can’t post until tomorrow night, everyone’s going to bed. I’m the only one actually up sitting by the fire. I hear tents being zipped closed, snores, an owl not so far off. With my phone battery at 9% it’s time to hit the sack. Sweet dreams, and happy camping. 

Ariana had dibs on the camera for the trip home. Following are all her shots. 

Saturday Morning on the Chehalis

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Chehalis, Cosmopolis WA, Saturday

Early Saturday morning behind the bait shop in Cosmopolis, WA I found a new quiet spot….

Just real quick…(forgot to post this last week)

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daughters, Tamales

Just a real quick thing….. I made a real quick batch of about a dozen tamales with my eldest daughter Angelica- promise to fill you in on that story- and I realized tonight that true love isn’t always of the romantic sort. True love can be for friends who will always be there no matter what or who wonders into or out of our lives. So with that I say, I love you. Truly. And then there’s my love Angie (Angelica) being….. Herself…. Love you baby.

Thimble Berries

I’ve been a bit lost of late, and found myself spinning in circles making myself dizzy until I was reminded that I was setting myself up for disaster.

I am so thankful for the loves in my life, be they friends or family, for without them I would be another lost soul wandering the earth waiting for the end of my existence.

I’ve been reminded to slow down and open my eyes again. So I did. And this is something I saw today…. Thank you love, friend, for guiding me once again back to myself.