I always tell my girls to think before they say things when emotions are high. In this world of technology I try not to tweet, email, post, text when I’m upset. Especially here, where I’ve decided not to delete any of my posts because I’m writing to get things out- but tonight I’m breaking my own rule-writing under duress. I’m gonna just ay what’s on my mind.
And at this moment I feel I’m gasping for air, trying to inhale….
For whatever reason, my upbringing, genes, environment, I tend to be a people pleaser. I don’t like to see my friends hurt, so I listen and do what I can to help. Lately it seems to be backfiring. I’m losing myself. I feel like I’m becoming invisible. It seems no one notices my “dark days” when I’m struggling. I get tired of being there for everyone and when I’m down no one notices. But even as I write this I’m thinking that it’s selfish of me to think that way.
I don’t have “dark days” very often, but when I do, when I feel I need somebody the most, I find myself absolutely and completely alone. And with two little girls at home it’s not like I can go decompress whenever I need to. Such is the life of this single mom- my world.
So here I sit in the light of the tv trying to decide whether or not I should skip work tomorrow- stay home and veg. and feel sorry for myself, But I won’t because people are counting on me to get things done.
This thing that has me feeling this way has been building up. It comes and it goes. When I feel everything is going great the bottom suddenly drops out from under me and I’m left clutching “remnants” of what is supposed to be, wondering if the dream is over or perhaps this is just a temporary setback. Then all is right again and even better than before – for a time…..
Tonight my heart is stuck between beats waiting for the exhale…..